Sex and Intimacy in The Time of The Coronavirus

The coronavirus is taking its toll on all of us. Many of us are isolated from those we love and care about because of health concerns.  Those of us who are polyamorous may feel even more isolated, since we are probably limited to what partners we can interact with.  Us solo poly folks and those who are just dating may not have access to anyone for intimacy or sex.  Self-care is important and making sure that not only our physical, but our mental and emotional health are taken care of can be daunting.  Add to that, the desire to make sure our partner(s) are taken care of and we may become overwhelmed.  What do we do? How can we have healthy sex and intimacy in a time of social distancing?

Now I realize that much of what I’m going to talk about requires funds and we don’t all have access to do what it takes to do all of it.  However, if you’re reading this, you do have internet access and while physical sex and intimacy may be unattainable, social media has made it possible for us to interact in sexy and intimate ways.  Self-distancing doesn’t mean zero contact, it just means zero physical contact.  Get creative!  Find ways to connect with those you desire by other means than in person.

Most of us are familiar with the five love languages, words of affirmation, time, gifts, acts of service and physical touch.  I suggest we start with these.  Identify what your love language is (it could be a combination of several.  For me it’s time and touch) and what are your partner(s) love languages.  Then find ways to fulfill those needs without physical contact (yes, touch is the hard one).  For those of use who are isolated, letting our partners know what we need is imperative.  What follows are a few ideas on how to get through all this.  Share the ones that resonate with you with those who love and care about you.   If you aren’t sure what resonates with them, ask.  Request that they participate with you in creating a long-distance intimate and sexual connection.

Words of Affirmation:  This is pretty easy.  Taking the time to send texts and messages telling your loved ones how important they are to you is a given.  You can also go old school and send them a letter or card detailing your desire and love for them.  Use programs like Marco Polo to send videos of you speaking to each other.  If they enjoy dirty and or sexy talk, make a recording talking to them that they can play during masturbation.

Time:  This means quality time.  Find things you can do via social media and other platforms.  Playing games, watching movies, watching porn and spending time together, even if it’s online can be enriching and fulfilling.  Have meals together, via Skype or Zoom.  Set the time and dates and stick to them.

Gifts: While it may seem difficult to give gifts while being distance, remember, Amazon (and others) still deliver.  Send cards, small gifts and things you know they’ll love to them on a regular basis.   They don’t have to be expensive, just things that resonate with them.

Service:  This is a little harder, since much of service is about being physically present.  Many of the previously mentioned ideas can constitute service.  Also, you can do something like order dinner and have it delivered to them.   If you’re not in total lock down you can bringing them dinner personally.  And if you are in total lockdown you can make gift certificates of the things you’ll do for them when this crisis is over.

Touch:  This is the hardest of all.  And where you can be the most creative.  Mutual masturbation, with verbal descriptions of where and how you are touching them.  There are some sex toys that can be operated remotely.  Buy each of you one and take turns controlling the toys.  Send virtual hugs and strokes on a daily basis.  This is one time where it may be appropriate to send explicit photos (with permission of course).

And, don’t forget to take care of yourself.  Self-pleasure is more than jacking off.  It’s taking time for a long bath.  It’s being intimate with yourself, by watching a sexy movie, reading a book that turns you on or even meditating on sex and sensuality.

These are just a few ideas to keep the sex and intimacy alive while dealing with the pandemic.  Sex and intimacy in the time of the coronavirus is possible, if you’re willing to step outside of your preconceived ideas of what constitutes sex and intimacy.




I’m back!

Sorry for the months of silence.  It’s been a crazy ride. I’ll tell the story later, however, currently I’m back in the states dealing with my cancer and now the current coronavirus scare.  I’m doing pretty good all things considered.  I’ll post more later as using my phone is a pain in the ass.  Stay tuned!

Why You Haven’t Heard From Me

Those of you who follow me on Facebook know why I’ve not been around. For the rest of you.
I‘ve been dealing with another bout of cancer. Mesothelioma. I’m lucky I’m here in Poland where treatment is cheap. And I’ve got a good support system.
Sadly the side effects sap my energy and make it hard for me to breathe, let alone think or write.
I‘m doing my best to stay positive. I started chemo a couple  weeks ago. Next chmemo is June 5. (Just an FYI, I wear a tiara to my chemo and my friends all over the world join me. Hint hint). 
Ill do my best to keep you posted. Your support makes a huge difference in my life.

Health Update

I don’t even know where to start.  Over the last several months I’ve been dealing with weird health issues.  They have accumulated into me taking a lot of tests (colonoscopy, endoscopy, various ultrasounds, CAT scans, blood work, X-rays and eventually biopsies.   It appears that I have cancer.  What kind, we don’t know.  I’m lucky that I’m going to the best oncology department in Krakow.  We’ve ruled out breast cancer and ovarian cancer and hopefully by Friday I’ll have the answers.

The health  stuff had definitely put most everything else in my life on the back burner.  However, it’s not going to stop me from living a full and complete life.

My hashtags for this current adventure.  #cancersucksandmylifedoesnot  #Cancer?Whatever.

An Unabashed Product Endorsement

​Four months ago, my dear faithful Hitachi died, which for me was a tragedy.  I haven’t been able to masturbate without a powerful tool for many years.  With the way to sudden death of my dear Hitachi, I was at a loss on what I could replace it with here in Krakow.  Luckily, there are two sex toy stores just down the block from me and I went to check them out.

The first thing I bought was a complete disappointment.  It didn’t have near enough umph and it’s only use was when I was playing with the young man I was seeing at the time (which wasn’t a bad thing).  So I headed to the other store and found something that kind of looked like a mini wand and I hoped would be an improvement over the toy I’d bought earlier.  And yes, it was an improvement, barely.  It took 3 to 4 times as long to get off and when I finally did, the orgasm is what I’d call a “why bother”.  Small and kind of bleh.

I’d almost given up on finding anything to replace my Hitachi and was looking at spending the extra money and getting one via online.   Then, out of the blue, I was approached by Paloqueth Sex Toys asking if I’d be willing to review one of their toys.  I generally don’t do this, however after looking at their website and seeing the great prices they were charging and the wonderful variety of toys, I decided to see if they’d send me their most powerful vibrator.

OH MY!!!!!!

They sent me a Handheld Rechargeable Massager that not only was beautiful it was powerful.  It has three speeds and five vibration modes.   And unlike my Hitachi, it was cordless and like I said,  beautiful.   And it’s very reasonably priced.

It was way better than anything I’ve used in years.  I haven’t been this satisfied in months.   I had two amazing orgasms in a matter of minutes last night and tonight I’m going for the trifecta.

Take a look at their products, everything is very reasonably priced and they have some very interesting and unique toys.  I noticed their BDSM toys are actually leather and look like they are pretty well made for the price.  Great for beginners.  And they ship both in Europe and the United states.

Thank you so much Paloqueth!  You have made me very happy and I can’t wait to try more of your amazing toys.

I’m A Proud Sex Positive Feminist

Recently on Facebook, a friend of mine posted in support of this article

My friend is a powerful woman who embodies much of what I feel feminism is about, and yet she and her friends were adamant that they were not feminist, didn’t support feminism and felt it was toxic. This isn’t new either, I constantly meet strong powerful women who reject feminism and that breaks my heart

I have identified as a feminist since the late 60’s when I was in high school.  I was so saddened when the Equal Rights amendment failed to be ratified. I marched for women’s rights, for People of Color and against the Vietnam War.  I weas as a radical hippie feminist and I embraced what I consider the real definition of feminism. The belief that all people, regardless of gender, should have equal rights and opportunities.

I know why some of my friends reject feminism.  They get caught up in the vitriol and anti-sex and anti-male conversations of what I consider the Andrea Dworkin and Catharine MacKinnon feminists.  Also the rise of TERFs ( Trans-Exclusionary Radical Feminist). Others are part of the BDSM community and identify as submissive or slave and feel that feminism and their D/s or M/s lifestyle can’t meld with feminism (which I believe is the case of my friend).

Years ago, in the 80’s  I went to a Science Fiction convention with my first really kinky partner.  I went in a bride dress and in chains (kind of a Darkover bride) and Jake led me around on a leash.  This was the first time I’d ever done anything kinky in public and I was having a blast. The Science Fiction community was very accepting and fun and it all was good.  Until . . . . I ran into a friend of mine who began to berate and shame me. How could I be a good feminist and allow myself to be subjected by a man? How could I sell myself out to the patriarchy that way?  She berated me for about 20 minutes while I stood there trying figure out what to say. Remember, these kink stuff was new and it was exciting and also very transgressive for me. I was pretty tongue tied at first.  Finally she took a breath and I spoke up. “Margaret, feminism is about choice. Prior to the feminist movement women didn’t feel they had choice. I choose to be in chains and on a leash. I choose to at times be submissive to Jake.  My choice, my sexuality.” Margaret was still disgusted and left in a huff. (I did find out later after their divorce that her husband was kinky and she wasn’t, so some of her issue may not have been just about feminism.) What that taught me that day was that part of being a feminist was about choice and it wasn’t about shaming others for their choices.

The post I referred to at the beginning of the blog was shaming of feminists and also requested that if anyone reading it disagreed to not speak up.  So I didn’t. Which is why I’m writing this.

I am a proud, sex positive feminist.  I look forward to the day when the Equal Rights Amendment is ratified.  (It only needs one more state for a total of 38 to ratify it. There is hope Virginia will become state No. 38 when they reconvene in January.)  I am not a man hating, sex hating feminist and I believe most feminists aren’t. There is a small minority of radical feminists and TERFs and thankfully they don’t represent all of us.

I wish I could say this to my friend on her post.  And because I respect her choice I won’t. I love her and all those other friends who feel that feminism is wrong or toxic.  That is their choice, whether I agree or not. All I can do is embody my feminism in a positive healthy way and do my best to educate others that feminism is about equality and about choice, not about hating men or trans folks or taking over the world in some female-centric  apocalypse (although it would make a good Science Fiction novel).