Asexuality? Demisexuality? Gray Asexuality?

This is a hard one to write.  I’m coming to grips with myself and that fact that I’m not the sexual being I once was.  Something’s shifted and it’s not as troubling as I’d would think it would be AND it’s still disconcerting because I’m a sex educator/coach/activist.  Aren’t I supposed to be this total sexual being?  I thought at first that it may have been because of dealing with cancer and chemo and all that shit, however it isn’t changing much and it’s been 6 years since I’ve finished treatment, etc.   I don’t have a huge sex drive anymore.  I love being in relationships and I love intimacy with others and I can totally do without sex.   And, the few sexual encounters I’ve had in the last several years have been great and I enjoyed them in the moment, I’m just not compelled to seek them out.   I’m finding myself more and more relating to the concept of asexuality or maybe demisexuality.  I found a wiki page about gray asexuality which seems to be a possibility.

I just was at a BDSM conference in Rome and I could probably have gotten laid if I wanted to and I didn’t even try.  I flirted a bit and talked to some awesome and very sexy people and I was content to be just flirtatious and leave it at that.

I  think I’ve posted before about my relationship with  orgasms.  I’ll recap.  I had my first orgasm climbing a rope in the 4th grade, on the playground.  I went home and duplicated that awesome feeling.  My connection to orgasm was not about the erotic or romantic, it was strictly physical.

Now, since then I’ve had some orgasmic experiences that weren’t just about the physical AND overall those have been far and few between.  For me, sex has seldom been about orgasm (yes I did fake it years ago…sorry) it’s been more about the connection and intimacy with others than the big O.  I masturbate maybe one a week and it’s purely for the physical release.  I seldom fantasize about anyone or any situation.  Don’t get me wrong, some things turn me on (many of you know I have a fetish  for backhoes and bulldozers) and yet that turn-on doesn’t require me to do anything about it.  I just enjoy the feeling.

So my question is, does this make me asexual?  Demisexual?  Gray sexuality?  Can someone go from being sexual to asexual?   Do I even need to identify as one thing or the other?  I’d love feedback on this.



  1. Carl · March 4

    I have felt some of the same things and watched them in others. Physically I am about as active as I ever was – about an orgasm a day. Mentally I no longer pursue ‘getting laid’ as I once did.

    The only label you need is ‘Human’. Putting yourself into a cubbyhole probably won’t work any better than putting someone else into a cubby hole.

    Take care.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Kiki · March 4

    I can relate to this so much right now. Thank you for posting!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Ali · March 5

    There have been times that I have not been interested in sex. Medications, illness, hormonal contraceptives, etc.. If asked I would still say I was bisexual. I guess because I didn’t stop being attracted and interested in people, or even wanting romance, I just didn’t want to have sex with them.

    But, I don’t think the label matters, and I don’t think your desire, or lack thereof, is a problem (unless it’s making you unhappy).

    You’ve spent so many years advocating for people to listen to their bodies and minds when it comes to seeking sexual fulfillment. Perhaps what your body needs to be fulfilled right now is a pause for breath. Who knows what it will need next?

    Liked by 1 person

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