Some musings on writing

It’s been a hard month for many of us.  I’m not just talking about the election, I’m talking about life in general.  Many people I know and love have been sicker this winter than normal.  Yours truly included.  People have lost loved ones; lost their homes; lost their jobs.  It is really easy to fall into a wallowing in my self-pity mode (where I seldom go) or my distract myself by never stopping to think mode (where I go a lot).  When I’m in either of these modes I find I don’t do a lot of writing or constructive work that isn’t absolutely required of me.

Thankfully the universe does provide.  One thing that got me out of my funk was an awesome guy from Australia contacted me about co-authoring a book with him tentatively entitled Sex Positive Now.  And while it’s been slow, we are making headway and working on the book.  I want to share our mission and  vision with you all as I love it.

Sex Positive Now Mission and Vision:

Our mission is to create a book and other resources to assist us in accomplishing our vision. Which is to create a new sex positive world: to support the change of cultural norms around sexuality and relationships.  In the world of Sex Positive Now people have the freedom and permission to be the sexual beings they already are.  Pleasure and joy are vital to our wellbeing. Sexual shame is a thing of the past. People are celebrated for their sexuality, gender, who or how they love. Consensual sexuality in all of its forms is healthy and life affirming.  

In the world of Sex Positive Now people can make conscious choices about their sexuality and relationships. This includes celibacy, asexuality, kink, polyamory, fetish and other forms of sexual and relationship expression. We are frolicking playfully with ourselves and each other.

Well working on this book has gotten of my ass (so to speak, since I can’t write standing up, no matter if it’s healthier for me.  LOL ) and I actually worked yesterday on my Principles book.  If you don’t remember I’m writing a book based on the 20 Principles to Try to Live and Relate By  that I wrote with my former husband Steve.

The title will probably be Conscious Relationships — 20 Principles to Try to Live and Relate By and other Tips for Healthy Relationships.

I’ve written about a lot of the book already, especially the Principles.  There will also be chapters on Conscious Polyamory & Monogamy, Happy Endings (ending a relationship and staying friends) and Difficult Conversations.   Today I am going to share a small piece about Difficult Conversations that I worked on yesterday.  Hopefully you’ll get some ideas to assist you in getting ready to have “that” conversation with a loved one.

Difficult Conversations

Sometimes we have to have difficult conversations with those we love.  If you take the time to prepare and go into the difficult conversation consciously you’ll find that solutions to whatever the problem may be will come easier than you think.

Getting Ready for the Conversation

  1. Purpose for the conversation

Ask yourself these questions.  Why are you having this conversation?  What is the problem?   What is its impact on you?  What do you think is the impact on the other person?  What would be your IDEAL outcome?  What is non-negotiable? What support are you committed to providing?  What do both of you agree to?    Is this about support or do you want to punish the other person for some reason?

Be aware of any hidden purposes for the conversation.  Look deeply at yourself so that you enter the conversation with support and good intent.

  1. Assumptions being made

Think about any preconceived notions you may feel.  You may feel intimidate, ignored, disrespected or marginalized by the other person.  It’s important not to assume that this is their intention.  This may simply be your reaction to the difficult conversation.  If you are going to make an assumption, assume that they are just as nervous and uncomfortable as you are and they also have good intentions.   Remember, impact does not necessarily equal intent.

  1. Buttons being pushed

Emotions are normal and they arise sometime without warning.  While we can’t control the emotions we can control our actions.  Are you emotions getting the best of you?  There may be a “backstory” that has nothing to do with the person and/or the conversation you are preparing for.   What personal history is being triggered?  We can avoid being overly triggered by being mindful of preserving the person’s dignity—and treating them with respect—even if we totally disagree with them.

  1. Attitude toward the conversation

If you tell yourself that it’s going to be a horrible difficult conversation, it probably will be.  And on the other hand, if you believe that whatever happens, that the end results will be good, then that will most likely be true.

  1. Who is the person?

Do they even know that there is an issue or concern?  What might they be thinking about what is going on?  How do you feel that they perceive the problem?  What might be their needs?  Their fears?  Do you have an idea what solution they might suggest?  Do not forget they are your partner, not your opponent,

  1. Your needs and fears and their needs and fears

Think carefully about what your needs are (write them down in fact) and what your fears are.  Consider what their needs and fears may be.  Remember this is not a battle or a contest with winner and losers. Look closely at any common concerns you may share.

  1. Your contribution to the problem

This one is the hardest for many of us.  Self-reflection.  What have we contributed to the problem?  We can probably make a long list of how they contributed to the problem.  That’s the easy part.  It’s what our contributions are to the problem that is harder and very important as we prepare for the conversation.

Have a great day and a Happy Ho Ho or whatever you celebrate (I try to celebrate everything, to cover all my bases.)  I’ll talk to you next year.

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