Intersted in BDSM? Some great tips

I’m on Fetlife.com (kind of like Facebook and OKcupid for kinky folks) and there was a question the other day from someone new to the Seattle community and wanted some tips on how to get started.  A member named WOLF wrote the following and I’m posting it with his permission, since it says pretty much what I’d say.

1. There isn’t a right way. There are a lot of polite ways to do BDSM and Kink but none of us know the one true way because there isn’t one. The better use of your time is finding what works for you and your partners.

2. Keep assuming that you know nothing. No matter how much you learn never let yourself imagine you know more about this stuff than anyone else, especially if people start looking to you like you can teach them. The moment you start to think you know what BDSM is about is the moment you stop learning and growing in it. As an added bonus folks in these communities love teaching nice people who want to learn so if you’re polite and curious you end up getting lots of folks interested in showing you all their cool tricks.

3. Be awesome. Don’t just treat others like you’d want to be treated, go out of your way to know how they want to be treated. Asking how to be respectful of people isn’t looked down on in our culture, it’s actually sort of celebrated. BDSM culture has a lot of etiquette that is often far outside of common sense and we can be very unforgiving of people who make us uncomfortable. Listen carefully when people talk about behaviors they don’t like. Don’t be that guy. BDSM communities are filled with a lot of awesome people and if you demonstrate that you’re someone capable of respect and trustworthiness that is looking to make your community better they are going to offer you the most amazing friendships you’ve ever known.

4. Read. Read like Hell, Read until you bleed. Find good books about your kinks, scour the internet for information. Join online discussion groups. Ask people at Munches where they learned about kinks you share. And discuss, talk to people, take classes, even ones that you don’t think will teach you anything. Communicate with play partners about everything. I have never been into anything in my life where robust knowledge was so important to my healthy participation. This is much more an academic pursuit than a sexual one and from the perspective of most of the folks I know in Kink there is no separation between being smart about BDSM and being good at BDSM.

5. Know yourself. Make a conscious effort to be self-aware. So many people fall through our community searching for something they cannot identify or they continue to make the same mistakes. Exploration of BDSM isn’t an exploration of a community or of the kinks of your partners. It is very much about delving into who you are. Take time to reflect on what you learn, especially if you find it has an unexpected impact on you. If you feel overwhelmed respect that, take time to process what you do or how BDSM changes for you as you go through life. Don’t be afraid to take a break if you need space. BDSM isn’t going anywhere.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s